6 Ways to Seduce Your Wife

So…you’ve had a long day and think it would be awfully nice to conclude with some physical intimacy with your wife. You eat your dinner, take a quick shower, brush your teeth and climb into bed. Naturally, all you’ll have to do is reach over and rub her back a minute and she’ll be equally inclined. Right?

giphy-downsized-large (1)

Wrong. Like…wrong wrong.

Because sex isn’t a nightcap for a woman. It’s not a quick release to send her into slumber. Sex isn’t an on and off switch either. And let’s be honest, it’s not as simple for a woman to participate as it might be for a man. Ever think of that???

Not to be patronizing (a clear indicator that I’m about to be patronizing…), but I’ve learned from my 17 year relationship that men prefer to be told exactly what to do. Step by step. Like a mindless love robot. They have no interest in initiating what should be done (the biggest defense to this sentiment is a whiny, “I can’t be expected to read your mind…”)

giphy (68)

You’re totally right. When the dishes in the sink become overflowing, it is unreasonable for me to assume you might put them in the dishwasher without my prompting….when I’m wearing a new dress, full make-up and did my hair, it is ridiculous to assume you might notice without my having to flounce around, batting my eyelashes saying,

“Hey! Look at me and tell me I’m pretty!”

giphy (71)

What’s a girl gotta do!?

If at this point you have thoughts similar to-

Yeah, yeah. What’s this have to do with anything?


Get to the sex part already.

Then you’ve already missed the boat, my friend. Have fun on paradise island!

Because the point is this- sex is relational for a woman.

With that said- here is a step by step breakdown of how to seduce your wife.

Hint: It’s not with your sexy Dad bod.

giphy (69)

1. Know Her

Do you remember in the beginning of your relationship when you spent unreasonable HOURS on the phone together? Nothing was more important. How was it that you never ran out of things to say?

giphy (73)

Because the ‘getting to know you’ phase was intoxicating.

The object of your obsession deserved no less than your full attention and hunger to turn over every last detail. In turn, she probed your mind from the inconsequential to the nitty gritty.

Did that feel good? That someone cared so much about you, that they wanted to know everything? Your first kiss? Your most embarassing moment? Your preferred brand of toothpaste? She wanted it all. And so did you.

giphy (74)

What was happening as you both absorbed more and more information?

Intimacy was being built.

Not sexual, obviously. Not yet. This is the gate though. For a woman you start with her mind. She didn’t fall in love with your body- although it may have been a draw. She didn’t keep coming back for the hit of pheromones. (Gotta love chemistry). So, what held her? Why did she carry on with you?

Every woman has a private self she reserves for a select few. You were Indiana Jones on a crusade for that rare artifact. You see, Indiana wan’t just an adventurer, he was a historian. Before he dove in to explore the caves he gathered all of the information he would need to be successful.

giphy (81)

You showed interest in knowing who she was, beyond the surface of what the majority had access to. You made her feel captivating. Desired (for more than just her body). Seen. Valued.

Does your wife feel that way now?

When you got home from work, did you see her and light up? Did you ask her how her day was, and truly care about the answer? Did you talk about anything that wasn’t related to the general hum drum of day to day obligations and experiences?

giphy (77)

Don’t feel too bad.

giphy (75)

We all fall into a rut occasionally. Especially with those we love the most. We become comfortable. But along with that attitude, we also become complacent. You assume she will always be there. You nabbed your lifetime beauty, put a ring on it, and regardless of the storms of life, you assume she’ll always be there. That’s a dangerous mindset. A houseplant that isn’t watered, withers and dies, regardless of how much you paid for it.

Are you fostering the spirit of that amazing woman you fell for? Or did you put her back up on the shelf like your favorite book with all of it’s secrets long revealed?

I’ll let you in on a secret. The book you read X amount of years ago, is not the same book you picked up originally. Women are amazing creatures. Adaptable and ever evolving. Often times men will become baffled and say, “This isn’t the woman I married!”

You’re right.

I can safely say that I have been at least 7 different women within the past two decades. Not in a multiple personality type of way. Ask your wife how many different women she thinks she’s been throughout her life. I bet she’ll understand what I mean.

A teenager with an unstable home will behave differently than a young twenties woman relying on herself. A young twenties woman with no children will be different than a late twenties woman who must now accommodate two children into her world. The changes continue and, if we’re being honest, a lot of weight falls onto the woman to do exactly what confuses you. Change. We change to accommodate our surroundings. If those adjustments are not celebrated and appreciated, a resentment may stir and we may just find your presence unnecessary in the next ‘change’.

My point is, you will never know her to a point of completion. If her personality hasn’t changed, her circumstances have. Her relationships have. Her interests have. It’s time to get obsessive about your wife again. Make sure that she knows that you still want to know her at every stage of life. Start talking or start walking.

giphy (83)

2. Appreciate Her

Let’s try to make this simple.

What does your wife do for you? For your kids? For your home? For her friends? For other people?

Seriously, jot down a list. Or at least take a moment to think about what she does.

giphy (85)

Now. How many of these things has she been thanked for? How many of these things are just expected? How many of these things could YOU do to help her out?

Let me just say this. As a mother of four children, I expend a ridiculous amount of my energy on them. This includes the “fun” stuff, from recreational interaction and snuggles, to the dark side of parenting. Think managing tantrums and cleaning poop off of your furniture. Time to myself? HA! If you can be satisfied doing anything while being interrupted ever few minutes, then yeah. I get time to myself.

giphy (86)

Beyond that I am burdened by house chores that I may or may not accomplish in a day. When you get home from work- the LAST thing on my mind is feeling sexy and putting out. At the top of my list is any opportunity to have peace and quiet away from the tiny beasts.

giphy (87)

Now, if you came home and jumped right into the chaos with me, cleaning, juggling, tending to everyone’s needs…my stress level may begin to recede. Tell me to go relax for a bit, and feelings of appreciation may develop. See how we’re moving you into a positive light step by step.

giphy (88)

Put the kids to bed and come rub my feet and ask how I’m doing. Notice and thank me for the mundane torturous things I did today for the benefit of our family. (Yes, laundry counts…) More often than not, we end up with the “it’s an ugly job, but someone has to do it” stuff.

Then shift into “Her” focus. Has she been thinking about anything interesting? Is there anything you can do to help her accomplish a personal goal? Connect with her in a way where she is the focus.

After engaging in that quality time, instead of getting too eager and hinting or even outright asking for sex, you might even say, “You must be exhausted. I’ll let you rest. Is there anything you need before I go load the dishwasher?”

You may find there IS something she now needs from you. And let me just say, appreciation sex is good stuff. WAY better than obligatory sex.

giphy (89)

It may not happen every night, or even every 72 hours. Why? Because she may be legitimately running on empty and need rest. Doubting? Review the list of the things she does everyday.

But I promise, if you make a habit of this technique, (along with the others), it will happen way more frequently and with much more enthusiasm. Work hard to please her outside of the bedroom, and she may do the same for you in the bedroom.

Start recognizing, acknowledging, appreciating and helping.

Put an effort every day into these things and watch your wife turn into putty in your loving hands.

3. Chase Her

The problem here is, you think you’ve already won. You’ve got her. You’ve already wooed the lady and she now abides in your castle. Commence with the Happily-Ever-After.

giphy (97)

You couldn’t be further from the truth!

How would you feel if after a week-long honeymoon and oodles of sex, your wife dusted her hands off and smiled then said, “Alright. Done with that!”

giphy-downsized-large (2)

Not cool, right?

Neither is it cool when after a few months or years, you stop working for her affection.

A few examples;

*Hygiene: Before you had her in holy matrimony, you made sure you brushed the crap out of your teeth before engaging in a kiss. Maybe even swished a little of that liquid acid stuff that freshens your breath. Perhaps you wore cologne for a date night?  You put some thought into what you were wearing? She likes when I wear this color. She has a thing for ties.

giphy (98)

You definitely made sure you wore clean socks and underwear. You showered frequently, maybe used some nice smelling body wash.

It’s attractive when you want to make yourself attractive. 

*Flirtation: Once you’re married it feels like most “flirtation” is a move for sex. It may not be, but we will feel like it is.

This particular type of flirtation doesn’t say, “I want you”, which should be the goal. Instead it says, “I want sex”. So any attempts under this umbrella feel manufactured or inauthentic. A means to an end. We see through it.

giphy-downsized-large (3)

I know that sounds confusing, but to women, there is a difference.

So, your idea of flirtation might be to get touchy feely after you get home from work, signaling the hope for hanky-panky after the kids go to bed. It might be a back rub, one of those amazing come up from behind hugs, or a delicious neck kiss. The thing is, bud, if you’re not touchy feely on the norm, it stands out like a sore thumb. You don’t want her, you want sex. So how can you cultivate an interaction that does communicate that it is her that you want?

The thing is, once you’re married, you feel slightly entitled to sex. Don’t deny it. You cashed in your bachelor ticket for one woman for the rest of your life. That woman better stay on top of your physical needs! Why work for it when I own it? Those days are behind us. She should be a sure thing.

But think about it.

The only texts you send her during the day consist of,

“What’s for dinner?”, “Can you wash my red shirt?”, “Will you pick up kids today?”

giphy a

What if you sent her something flirty to let her know you’re thinking about her.

For example,

“When I woke up this morning I loved the way your hair fell over your face to block the sun. You are the most beautiful woman.”

Hey now! That might get her attention.

giphy b


“What would you like me to do when I get home to help you relax?”

The answer might be, “Take the kids so I can finish a cup of coffee.” But the fact that you were thinking about her and cared about improving her day is sexy.

Another way to flirt? Bring her home something! Flowers, chocolate, coffee. Ooooo, coffee! Yeah bring her a big hot steaming cup of coffee. This tells her you were thinking about her.

giphy d

Then one of the more obvious ways to let her know you want her- compliment her! I’ll get more into that a little later.


When you were trying to win her heart you made sure to put her at the TOP of your list. Never would you place her on a back burner. The only time she took a back seat was if you intended on joining her there. Sleep!? Please. Who needs sleep when you can spend that time with her.

In other words, she was the most important thing in your life.

Where is she on that list now?

giphy e

Not sure?

A quick way to find out it to write out a list of how you spend your time. Go ahead. Jot it down. Or think through your average day/week.

Required work hours can’t be helped. Be gracious to yourself there. But what about the extra hours you volunteer? What about side projects? Friends? Church and church activities? Unless she is at your side willingly and joyfully for those tasks, I’d say it’s safe to assume she may be receiving your leftovers in the currency of time.

Does that say, “I want you”? Or does it say, “I want you/sex when it’s convenient for me”?

Keep something in mind as you consider taking action…or not.

If your wife was someone who could be won, is it not logical to assume she is also someone who could be lost?

If you’re going to play the game, you’d better learn some strategy. Because this game is never over.

giphy (100)


4. Play With Her

No. Not like that. We aren’t there yet. Sheesh! Get your mind out of the gutter!

giphy (91)

I mean PLAY with her!

As adults we get bogged down by boring stuff like jobs and bills and responsibilities. You know, real life? But those things are not what we live for. In fact, I may go so far as to say, we do those things so we can hurry up and get to the playing.

How often do you hear people say, “Yesssss! It’s Monday! Back to work, baby!”

giphy (90)


More often than not we can’t wait for the weekend! The days when we have free time to do whatever we deem fun or relaxing. The days we can feel ALIVE!

You want your wife’s heart to beat faster? Take her on an adventure! Discover what it is she dreams of doing and make it happen! Give her opportunities for new experiences that will remind her that life is infinite in it’s possibilities. That we might live in the mundane but we need not be enslaved by it. The 9-5 can have our minds, but to the rest we owe our souls!

Has she always wanted to hike to a waterfall? Do some research and pull out your hiking boots. Does she love music? Surprise her by taking her to a concert of an artist she loves! Would she enjoy letting off some steam at a shooting range? Maybe she’d have fun jumping at one of those trampoline places? Do a mission together where you help build houses or something. Go exploring! Force her outside of her comfort zone. Get her adrenaline pumping a bit. Make sure she’s laughing.

giphy (93)

What’s the point? How does this help our sex life?

Get her away from the kids. Children are good at unintentionally robbing a woman of her time and identity. Get her out of the house and remind her that she is more to you than your maid/babysitter. She is your life partner! Your playmate! Your lover! The one you chose to experience this amazing life with! That doesn’t happen behind a kitchen sink. Let’s be real, it doesn’t happen at the movie theater either. It happens out in the wild where you can let go of your responsibilities and BE WILD together!

giphy (95)

Playing doesn’t have to be restricted to outside of the home. After all, it may take funds to accomplish some of those adventures. But how can you make being home fun? Play hide and go seek. Have a dance party. Wrestle! Whatever will make her laugh and remember that your relationship isn’t strictly business.

giphy s

Be intentional about playing together. In doing so, you just might inadvertently remind her of why she fell in love with YOU. Not the 9-5 you. The fun you.

5. Convince Her She’s Beautiful

Every. Single. Day.

Now, I’m not a shallow person. But I would be lying if I said physical attraction had no role in a marriage. I cannot speak for everyone, but I will be honest as far as my own experience goes. I want to be beautiful, especially to my husband. The entire world could scoff and find me plain, as long as my husband looked at me with desire in his eyes.

giphy g

When you think about sex, is it simply a mechanical marital obligation? I mean, I suppose, as a woman, you could just lay there and think about other things. Sad but true. But if you’re really going to enjoy sex, I imagine and hope that you find your partner to be attractive on some level.

giphy t

If you don’t acknowledge her beauty, she will begin to doubt it’s even there. If she doesn’t believe you find her attractive/beautiful, she’ll feel used when it comes to sex. Basically, she will see herself as a tool you use to satisfy that perpetual physical need for release. Then all of a sudden she has been objectified. How very impersonal. How very demeaning. How very sad. Who wants to participate in that all of the time?

It is important that she knows you find her beautiful, inside and out.

So how do you do this?

It’s not enough to just think she’s beautiful. You must learn to say it.

In those moments when when her eyes pull you in and you are suddenly startled by their color, say something. It doesn’t have to be poetic. A simple, “Wow. Your eyes are amazing”, will do the trick. Watch her blush, even after decades of marriage.

giphy i

If she looks good in a certain pair of jeans or top, tell her! If she wanders out of bed in the morning in her sweats with her hair disheveled and your heart swells because that woman belongs to you, say as much. “I’m so lucky you’re mine.” Words are magic. Don’t miss an opportunity for reassurance.

Find ways to compliment her. Where is she talented? What are her skills? What are her gifts? Celebrate them. Support them. Help her grow in them. All of these things say I find you irresistible. 

Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t find them attractive? That’s no fun! So make it clear. Leave no room for doubt.


What if you’ve grown numb and don’t notice these things?

Oh pal, you’d better open up those eyes and start noticing.

Because I can guarantee you that every time she puts effort into her appearance and you fail to notice, her self esteem drops a little more.

giphy k

Her confidence in your attraction to her diminishes more and more. She will doubt her beauty…that is…until another man notices. And they might. And that is not where you want her seeking to be fulfilled. It should be coming from you. YOU are responsible for satisfying that deep and vital question in her heart. Am I beautiful? Do you want me? Am I worthy of love?

Well? Is she?

6. Make it Worth It

After you’ve managed to get the above 5 recommendations on track, theoretically, you should have her right where you want her.

giphy l

So now what? Every Tuesday night at ten with the lights off in the same position? Oh, baby! That’s hot. She’ll definitely keep coming back for more.

How do you make sex an experience she craves?

Communication. Ask her what she wants. Whodathunk!?

Every woman is different, so there is no step by step guide for you here. Plus, I’m not sure details would be appreciated by the masses. But I’ll do my best.

Ready. Set. Awkward!

Here comes the magic word. Learn it. Apply it. Take it seriously. It will make or break your sex life.


I know. I know. I went there. Calm down people.

giphy (84)

You’ve heard it said before that men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. This is not just a cutesy comparison. Women need time to “warm up” if you care at all for their pleasure. And you should! If you care, they care. If you don’t, why am I even here?

giphy m

Plus, you would really like a repeat customer, so to speak. But are you offering a quality experience?

So, after finding out what she wants- do it. Keep doing it until she is ready for more. Don’t constantly ask, “Are you ready?” That’s like a bucket of cold water every time, setting you back to the beginning. Have patience and build some endurance. Stamina is attractive. Be a pupil of what works for her. Trust me when I say, it will pay off for you in the end.

Your second very important word.


This may not be for everyone. Some may prefer safe and predictable. Some may prefer the routine. This note is not for those people. If that works for you, carry on. If not, please read on.

Surprise her every now and then. Try something new! Try somewhere new! I won’t elaborate on this, but I will encourage you to take up the conversation with your wife. And come prepared with suggestions. She will be blind-sided and may need time to process.

giphy q

Don’t take that as an immediate rejection. Give her the space she needs to consider and communicate her thoughts.

Marriage is not just a journey, but an adventure! I challenge you to seduce your wife. Don’t ever get used to her. Dare to know her better, work to appreciate her, never stop chasing, make time to play together, and under no circumstances should you allow that amazing woman to go to bed without knowing how firmly she holds your heart and affections. You can do this. Just follow the steps.

giphy p


*This article is based on the opinions of the author who understands that sex is super duper complicated and knows that one size does not fit all. She also recognizes that many of these techniques can go both ways.

Have any more advice? Please leave it in the comments below. Keep it PG people. I am married to a pastor! Do Christians even have sex… 😉

5 Reasons Depression Sucks!

I struggle with depression. I have struggled with it off and on since I was a kid. The past few days the darkness has returned for another unwelcome visit. The biggest temptation for me right now is to cement my lips shut and wallow in the darkness as it drags me down.

I woke up this morning and just cried. My infant watched me curiously, trying to decide if this was a new game I was playing with her. She would start to smile and then stop and just watch. Somehow this made it worse.

You know what I’m really good at? Pretending. I can pretend it’s all good until I’m blue in the face. I’m good. I have it together. I am in control. It’s all good.

giphy (63)

But as my chest clenched tighter and tighter under the pressure of many hurts, I made a decision. I won’t be quiet about it.

No. I will have his one victory over this silent malicious burden. I know I’m not the only pretender drowning out there.

You are not alone.

So suck it Depression! Here are 5 reasons why you bite the big one

1. You Still Gots Responsibilities!

Yes, the poor grammar was intentional.

You wake up and would really prefer to just disappear. Maybe slowly collapse onto the floor and stay there until someone drags you into a bed to sleep it off.

giphy (42)

But then you have a baby crying and a three year old begging for ice cream for breakfast. Your five year old thinks you should pack everyone up and head to the grocery store because he wants more Lunchables and grapes. So yeah. You have to be a parent and all that entails while dealing with your existential internal crisis. Nothing like a poopy diaper when you’re questioning your existence.

giphy (46)

Then there is your job.

I’m lucky. I’m a stay at home mom. My isolation is absolute and I need not put too much effort into appearing happy for anyone’s sake. So I can stare morosely at the disastrous mess around me and sob at my lack of motivation to accomplish any of it.

It might be worse if I were forced to smile and get things done or face being fired. But alas, my purpose is laundry. So there’s that. Backhanded optimism. Lol!

giphy (47)

2. Living an Oscar Worthy Performance and Being Rewarded Loneliness Instead

I don’t know about you, but when I’m going through crap, the last thing I want to do is push away the tenuous relationships I’ve managed to build by revealing my bothersome instability. The last thing I want to be for another person is high maintenance or the dreaded “drama” we all try to avoid.

giphy (48)

So I suffer alone- which always amplifies the things I’m obsessing over.

The more I analyze this, the more obvious it becomes that isolation is one of the greatest weapons in depressions cache.

Well this is me fighting it! You will NOT isolate me! I will blog this insanity out to a horde of strangers! I’m putting this nonsense on blast!

giphy (49)

The people who genuinely love me will not abandon me when I need them the most. I wouldn’t do it to those I love, why should I believe the LIE that they would do that to me?

I say once again- SUCK IT Depression!

giphy (50)

Okay mama, calm down. They get it…

3. Temptation is Strongest When You’re at Your Weakest

How to put this into words…

Let’s look at this simply. When you get a boo boo, you run to your mommy or daddy and have them kiss it before placing a bandage on it. All better!

giphy (51)

The bandage would have been sufficient, but it was the kiss that really eased your burden.

The emotional acknowledgement of your suffering holds healing.

What does a child do if there is no one around to kiss their boo boo and assure them it will be okay?

When they don’t bleed out and die, they generally jump back up and go play. In essence, they distract themselves from the stinging on their knee. A different approach, but equally as effective.

Adults aren’t always as resilient. Neither are their “boo boo’s” so benign. When there is no one around to acknowledge their suffering- or they are unwilling to let someone know about it, what do they do?

You can only wallow in anguish internally for so long. The process is exhausting. If you decide to press on with life, eventually you’ll want to FEEL good.

giphy (53)

Depression is oftentimes a chemical imbalance in the brain. It doesn’t mean the issues aren’t real, mind you, but that your brain is basically a freaking double agent. You’re lured into a false sense of security because…you know..it’s YOUR brain. Then it turns on you, altering and exaggerating the negative perceptions of your reality.

When there is no solution or outlook of healing, we seek to cover the negative with positive, even if it’s only superficial.

When people are in extreme pain, their body will protect itself by rendering them unconscious. Similarly, when our emotional suffering reaches a certain point, we tend to fall into an apathetic state. This makes our seeking to feel good more dangerous, because we care less about the consequences.

So ALL that to say- when you are fighting depression, you may think, who cares, and dive into whatever will help you feel better. Whatever will help you to feel alive. Alcohol, drugs, sex, food, risky behavior. Or maybe you just tune out the world and responsibilities and escape into a fantasy world. (My favorite option.)

giphy (54)

I’m not saying that we always cave to these temptations, I’m just saying we get to stare them in the face day after day as they bat their eyelashes at us.

giphy (55)

When you’ve been through it enough times, you figure out that the high cannot be sustained and the crash is so much worse than the despair you’re suffocating in now.

So…damned if you do, damned if you don’t.


Aren’t you happy you decided to read this?

giphy (56)

Remember- this isn’t about how to overcome depression- it’s about why depression SUCKS!

So please reserve your expectation that a ‘Pastor’s Wife’ should go on and on about the healing of God and be happy happy about it- and appreciate that I know suffering even when my soul is in the safe arms of a loving God. THAT is real life.

giphy (67)

4. It’s a Sneaky Scoundrel

You’ll be strolling along through life, fresh from a lively vacation. You have your ducks in a row and your relationships all sorted and healthy-like, then BAM! You’re flat on your back staring up at the storm rolling in like, whaaaat-?

giphy (61)

Seriously. Some days I wake up and sense the weight of the depression. It’s like a freaking ninja! Where did you come from? Get outta here!

giphy (43)

But that little ninja has not come to tip it’s hat and walk on by. They’ve come to do work on your soul.

You can’t predict a depression attack. You just have to hope it doesn’t strike when productivity is vital.

5. It’s Humiliating

Depression is stigmatized as a weakness. It’s embarrassing to admit you don’t have full control over your emotions. Over yourself.

We live life putting our best foot forward.

Can you imagine opening your Facebook to a photo of your dentist sobbing into a glass of wine. The caption accompanying it, “I’m not sure I went into the right vocation.”

giphy (44)

What if you opened your Instagram to see that single mother you admire for her strength sitting on her couch staring blankly. The caption reads, “Another Friday night alone. Am I really so unlovable?”


We see our dentist relaxing at the beach on vacation, sipping a Corona.

We see a selfie of that single mother and her little girl with a scripture about the joy of Christ.

I’m not encouraging raw candidness all of the time. I’m just saying we keep our hurts private more often than not. There’s nothing wrong with that. Frankly, our garbage is nobody’s business. But it makes admitting to weakness a bit more taboo.

Then there’s the medication angel.

giphy (45)

A lot of times you have to take at least a low dose of an anti-depressant to bring your mental quality of life to a manageable state. Sometimes you need an anti-psychotic.

Depression is not something that is in your head that can be dealt with and fixed on your own. The chemicals in your brain are off and need some adjusting.

But we joke to each other, using phrases like,

“So-and-So is off their meds!” Hahaha!

“Did you forget to take your meds today?” Hahaha!

So if you are depressed and need to take meds, you fear being seen as an off-your-rocker, butt of the joke.

Let me just say this. It takes incredible strength to live with depression

It also takes some freaking courage to admit you have it.

Because I’m terrified right now. Mostly of your judgement. Of how you will treat me now that you know.

But please know this. I am not fragile. I am not about to break. I have good days and bad days.

Depression does not define me.

I am still me.

In fact, depression had helped shape me and make me a stronger and more empathetic person.

It’s a pain in my rear end, but you sink or you swim. When you look at me, know that I am swimming and have some impressive emotional muscles because of it.

giphy (65)

Now if you could just forget that I told you any of this…that would be great.

giphy (66)


10 Usual Suspects in a Bible Study

Have you ever wandered into a Bible Study or Life Group and found yourself strangely unsurprised by the characters there? No matter which group you join up with there always seems to be the Usual Suspects. And now, for your entertainment, a humorous take on the types of people you might find in these groups.

1. The Wannabe Preacher

Bible Studies are a valuable asset to your growth in biblical knowledge and essential in building relationships and having (hopefully) a safe place to be real.

That being said, if the Bible Study is over at 8pm I want to be snuggled in my bed watching my show at 8:30!

giphy (19)

I am not saying there aren’t good reasons to push the curfew a bit. Just as in dancing at your Junior prom, it’s a good idea to leave room for the holy spirit.

giphy (20).gif

The beauty of a life group is it’s casual nature. It’s not designed to be another church service. So if it starts to feel like you are standing behind a pulpit, cross referencing scripture with the original Hebrew language, you may find me glaring meaningfully at the Life Group leader to take back the reins.

A dangerous question to ask if you do have a Wannabe Preacher in attendance is,

“Who would like to close us in prayer?”

Well now you’ve done it! We all know who would like to. And now we also know to add twenty minutes to the clock. Thanks.

2. The Actual Preacher

Unless you know they are the preacher, you won’t know they are the preacher. This is vacation time for the leader who is always ON. They’ll be the one kicking back and letting everyone else talk.

giphy (21)

Sure they might pitch in here and there, but for the most part you can can expect a subtle deflection at attempts to put them on the spot with clever phrases like,

“What do you think that means?”

“I think Jane might have some insight here.”

“I’m getting more cheese dip, anyone need anything?”

It’s best to let the preacher feel like one of the gang. Let the Life Group leader facilitate, and the preacher vegetate.

3. The Emotional Wreck

Every lesson seems to trigger a painful experience that they must immediately share.

giphy (22)

Suddenly your life group becomes a weekly therapy session where personal traumas of all kinds are laid painfully raw on the table for us to gawk at awkwardly. Now we must find a way to appropriately comfort the sobbing guest and segue back to the topic at hand. How do you do that!? Not naturally, that’s how.

The cliff notes version of your hamster dying is perfectly acceptable here.

I realize that sometimes you really need to share the pain you’re feeling, and your life group is more than happy to rally around you in love. But when it becomes a weekly ritual, we may need to consider getting you some professional help. If not that, then you need to find another way to garner attention…(yeah…I said it.) Authentic pain is one thing, but being a professional victim is quite another.

giphy (23)

4. The Freeloader

This individual can come in many intriguing forms.

They have a perfectly functional vehicle but ask to ride with you. (Usually they live out of the way.)

You might buy their Bible Study booklet for them with promises that they will reimburse you for the cost. 6 months later and you’re still short $13.99.

They never bring a snack or beverage for the group, but you’ll see them plastic wrapping a heaping plate of home cooked appetizers to take home for later.

giphy (24)

Even though you bought their booklet for them, they never seem to do the homework, if they remember to bring the book at all.

Basically, they are there for the socializing and the food.

5. The Wise Mute

There is at least one, if not more in your group. A Yoda among you.

giphy (40)

They sit still with a pleasant look on their face, taking everything in. They show no sign of verbally participating. Nor will they. Unless of course, they are directly asked.

Cue the moment the leader decides we’ll go around in a circle and each respond to some question or another.

A silence falls across the room when Yoda steps up to bat. In a calm and steady voice they proceed to lay out, very simply, the most brilliant and thought provoking perspective on the relevant topic.

giphy (28)

With no fanfare, they finish speaking and humbly pass the stage to their neighbor, who unfortunately sounds like a walrus who figured out how to thread sounds together to form a few paltry words after that display of genius.

giphy (29)

We won’t hear them speak again for another two months. But oh how we wish they would.

6. The Hyper Spiritualist

For this person, EVERYTHING requires an action! It’s not enough to meet together to learn more about God and fellowship. We must change the world right this moment!

We shall serve in the homeless shelter on Monday! Tuesday we need to build a new neighborhood downtown! Wednesday we will mentor at least two students in the youth group! Thursday, we put on our superhero costumes and fight crime. Friday, we will walk the mall and convert anyone who tries to go into Hot Topic. Saturday we will sell all that we have and donate it to Africa. Then Sunday we will come together again and plan our holy tasks for the following week.


This is not an awful sentiment. But if put on steroids, it can seem insurmountable and rather exhausting. Perhaps it’s best to help that well-meaning and motivated member to choose one thing, and put all of their energy into that. We CAN change the world. Just not all at once.

7. The Comedian

This is the one who doesn’t take anything seriously. Your general class clown. Whether they are hiding insecurity with humor, or are starving for attention, you can count on them to lighten the mood…or make things incredibly awkward. When it comes to the comedian there are a few sub-categories.

a.) The Cheeseball

These people are puns of fun. They have a pocketful of the corniest Christian jokes you wish you’d never heard. Have a problem with that? I hear God accepts Knee-Mail.

giphy (30)

b.) The Sensationalist

And you thought your 80 year old grandfather was the only one fearless enough to take things to the gutter. Not so, my friend. Not so. If it will make you gasp, cringe or solemnly shake your head at such audacity, this jokester is all over it.

giphy (31)

They can take the most innocent and mundane topics, and make them worthy enough to flush down the toilet…if you know what I mean.

c.) The Not-Funny One

Comic timing is not their spiritual gift. But does that stop them? Nope. Does the awkward silence after the punch line discourage them? Not even a little. Are they in tune with other people at all? Going off of the goofy grin plastered on their face after making an All Dogs Go to Heaven joke after someone lost their beloved pet…I’m gonna go with nah. But we love them anyway.

giphy (32)

d.) The Inside Jokers

This involves at least two, if not more people. They are constantly saying seemingly random and meaningless things before snickering and giving each other knowing looks. Good for you. We are happy you have previously had a shared and amusing experience. We will continue to look on blankly as you indulge in your private jest publicly. Or if we are unfortunate, we too will laugh, thinking we missed something. When you stare at us and say with slight condescension, “It’s an inside joke.”, we will work at slowly ceasing our empty laughter and pretend our phone buzzed.

giphy (33).gif

e.) The Jerk

This is the one who gets their laughs at the expense of others. You either love them or hate them, or want to love them, but then they say something insulting to you. I’ve never quite understood this group. They say it’s out of love, but why does it sting?

giphy (41)

Alright, enough of that. When it comes down to it, we would rather have humor and laughter in it’s various forms than what is coming next. So relax. Unless of course you happen to be-

8. The Debbie Downer

giphy (34)

This person can take anything and make it depressing. Oodles of fun they are. You know exactly who I’m talking about.

Someone says, “My Mom is coming into town this weekend. I’m so excited, I haven’t seen her in almost a year!”

Debbie Downer: “I wish my Mom was still alive. She died in a car accident when I was 16.”


“Hey everyone! We’re going to plan a night out to the State Fair! They have THE best corn dogs!”

Debbie: “Eeew, fair food. Do you even know how they make that stuff? And the people they find to work there are usually ex cons and homeless dudes. Make sure you get your tetanus shots, everyone! Can I catch a ride with one of you? My car got towed and I can’t afford to get it out. It will probably go to auction and get bought by some drug dealer.”

giphy (35)

These people are one of the reasons God included Ephesians 4:2 in the Bible.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”


9. The Player

Single and ready to mingle? No? Doesn’t matter. This person will try anyway. Because really, what better place to meet a nice lady or gentleman than at a Bible Study?

Inherently, there is nothing wrong with this. In fact, I recommend it highly over the bar, despite Ed Sheeran’s sentiments.


But if it’s the main reason you are joining groups…it’s obvious. Don’t worry. We won’t spoil your game. We’ll just sit back and watch things unfold.

giphy (26)

When you select your target, we all know it.

Everyone seems to have a “spot” they like to sit in after a couple of meetings. Even though that has been established, you get there a little early to steal the one next to your prospect.

You laugh loudly whenever they say anything.

giphy (36)

You try to be extra spiritual in your responses to their input.

You can’t help but let awkward compliments slip out here and there.

Or you’re one of those that likes to pick on their crush. That’s even more obvious.

You casually ask that special someone if they tasted the dish you brought.

And yes, we’ve caught you staring.

giphy (37)

It’s okay. We want you to find love. And this is, by all means, the right place.

10. The Phantom Attendee 

You may see this person once or twice during the eight week study. Commitment is not their middle name. But they will always have a good excuse for their absence.

The first type of phantom is the one that had plans made prior to their commitment to the study.

This week I’ll be in Timbuktu, that week I have people in town, the following week I’m having surgery. But I’ll be there for sure on the last one.

giphy (39)

We are all wondering why you signed up in the first place, but whatever works for you.

The other type of Phantom is the one who obviously does not want to be there.


The call usually comes five minutes before it starts, no matter the reason. Why? Before then they had been battling themselves all day over whether or not they would go. The right thing to do would be to go, but then… they really don’t want too.

Some good ones are,

“I have a fever and wouldn’t want to infect anyone.”

“I totally forgot I was supposed to….”

“I thought we were meeting tomorrow night. So sorry!”

“My kiddos are sick.”

Albeit sometimes these are true. But when it’s every week?

It’s okay though. They promise to be there in spirit.

giphy (38)






5 Ways to Maintain Your Introvert

1. Don’t Maintain Your Introvert (See what I did there?)

We don’t like to be told what to do. Plain and simple. 

You may be struggling with the truth of this statement. As you should. Because more often than not, we end up asking  you to tell us what to do. 


In fact, we frequently defer to you for seemingly simple choices. Why?

Believe it or not, we do care about where we’ll go to eat. This becomes painfully obvious after you’ve spent 5 minutes making suggestions before we reject them all and settle on our own eatery.

giphy (2)

You’re thinking to yourself, what was the point then?

Trust me, you’ve been more helpful than you realize.

As internal processors we are sifting through copious amounts of information and are weighing all of the potential outcomes. The noise in our heads can be overwhelming making it hard to settle on one choice.


It’s like circling the airport trying to decide which runway is best to land on. We might be taking into account the weather, the anxiousness of the passengers, how badly we need to use the restroom, other planes in the vicinity and the timing. Meanwhile, our co-pilot is screaming in our ear to land the flipping plane already! We benefit greatly when we hear from ground control. Help guide us down from the clouds.

Still don’t believe me? Here is a real life confession for you;

When asked, “Do you want Taco Bell?”, I go through the menu and pause on my go-to selections. Once I’ve done that, I mentally taste that food to see if I’m in the mood for it. If I get passed that stage, I consider the portion and the amount of time until the next meal, because I don’t want to fill up and miss out on dinner. Then I’m considering whether or not I should get a fountain drink, or just save the extra few bucks and drink a pop at home. But wait…do I want caffeine free? Bedtime is coming up soon. I’ve not had enough water today anyway. This is no joke, people. It is a form of mental torture that we’ve mostly grown used to.

giphy (1)

Please be patient with us. We don’t mean to make things complicated. We need help narrowing it down, otherwise we become paralyzed with indecision.

2. Give them Space! Let Them Recharge


It may seem counter-intuitive, but giving your introvert alone time will bring them closer to you. We respect those that understand our need for isolation and solitude. Give me a few hours without the kids, just to go have coffee or meander through a thrift store, and I will return rejuvenated.

giphy (3)

I’m not sure if this next thought applies to all introverts, but I find myself to be easily over stimulated. With four kids and a physically affectionate husband, sometimes I can become touched-out. Along with mental space, I often need physical space. It might benefit you to ask permission from your introvert before you move in for that bear hug. Make sure they are in the mood to receive touch. Otherwise, you may be pushing them away.


3. Don’t Force them to Talk 
Have you ever noticed it can take forever to get a response from an introvert? It could be waiting hours for a text response. Or, if they are right there in front of you, you may have to wait a few moments for an answer while watching several expressions of thought pass over their face.

giphy (6)

Why is that?

Once again, let me remind you that introverts are processors. Unlike our Extroverted brothers and sisters, we do not vocalize our thoughts as we go. We aren’t fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants communicators. We need time to analyze all of the external information being received, along with the internal cacophony of existing data. This may include, but is not limited to, micro facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, self conscience thoughts, several response possibilities, potential in-between-the-lines messages, the emotional state of the communicator and this could go on for a while, so I’ll spare you.

It is because of this mental exercise that we may put off responding to a text or voicemail. The heavier the topic, the longer the wait can be. Try not to take it personally.

*Pro Tip: If you are an impatient person, learn to present smaller bits of information at a time to ensure a faster response. 

What it comes down to is that we like to be certain of what we are going to say.

You may think it’s cute to taunt the perpetually silent one by saying something like, “Quiet down over there!” or “Penny for your thoughts?” Hahaha.

By the time you’re done laughing we’ve plotted half a dozen ways to silence YOU.

giphy (8)

In other words, it is considerably unpleasant for an introvert to be called attention to. This is why we generally like your pets better than we like you. They don’t make us talk.

giphy (7)

BTW, April Ludgate is my spirit animal.

4. When they do speak- listen

We’ve tortured ourselves by thinking, re-thinking, over-thinking and played and replayed a situation 5,000 times (at least) in our heads. If something is being articulated, trust that we mean it and felt it needed to be said.

On the other hand, be prepared to let what we say slide. We live more in our heads than in the real world. This means we are riddled with social awkwardness. Sometimes we take social risks (like saying human words out loud) and things don’t go as planned.

giphy (10)

Please let it go when that happens, otherwise we might retreat back into our silent cave to lick our wounds.

5. Be a Safe Person

Becoming the trusted friend of an introvert is about as common as spotting a unicorn drinking from a stream of rainbows.

giphy (11)

To be invited into the bubble of an introvert is no feeble task. If you manage to penetrate their armor, you will be forever loved with a deep well of intensity immeasurable by any instrument science has or can discover.

On the contrary, betray that sacred confidence and you will be banned from their comforting arms forevermore. I assure you, the bitter cold of their gaping absence will leave frostbite on your soul.

giphy (12)

So, how then do we keep our precious introvert feeling safe and treasured? You’ll be relieved to know, there are several ways.

A.) Be Consistent and Straight Forward

Sure, we appreciate complexity in the minds of others. This, however, does not include the complexities of DRAMA.


If you are easily offended, have a tragedy in your life every other day (using the word tragedy loosely), play hot and cold with our friendship, are generally passive aggressive (constantly sending mixed signals), or have a line out the door of people waiting to slap you, a friendship may not be in the cards for us.


Why? We simply do not have that kind of energy to expend. Introverts are all about peace. Confrontation can make us feel physically ill. Remember how difficult it can be to land on dinner plans? Can you imagine the internal turmoil that we would have to wade through wondering what you’re upset about now. This is where straight forwardness is your friend. I can see right through that tight lipped smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. If there is a problem, talk to me. It will put me at ease knowing I can trust your being honest with me.

B.) Never Ever Ever Just Show Up

If you show up at my door randomly, without any prior notice, I will seethe internally. Introverts are generally private people. Surprises can be mildly traumatic, believe it or not. (That is, unless the surprise is a gift. Even then, it’s best to leave it on the porch and text them to retrieve it.) I need time to prepare mentally for interacting with other humans. Also, physically. Most of the time I’m in my sweats with makeup smeared and hair askew. That’s just embarrassing. Help a sister out! Twenty minute warning at least.

C.) Don’t Call Me

I won’t answer my phone.

giphy (13)

Unless you’re watching my kids or something.

I don’t like talking on the phone. That requires fast thinking and talking without throughly running it through my filter. Scary scary thing. Text or message me. If you don’t like texting, leave a voicemail and wait for me to text you back. It’s nothing personal.

D.) Keep My Secrets

If I feel the need to constantly tell you, “This information stays between you and me”, because you like to repeat it to our mutual friends, thinking it’s no big thing, my trust meter will run out. Your friendship car will be towed and the fine to retrieve it will be steep. Loyalty is at the top of my list of qualities I look for in a friend. Be someone I can trust to confide in.

E.) Protect Them From Meany-Heads

Because of the whole non-confrontational thing, when issues do arise, we need to know that you have our back. Because of our quiet and kind nature, we are often targeted by narcissistic predators who like to take advantage of our patience and grace. Don’t be afraid to speak up if your introvert is having a hard time shaking a jerk-face.

giphy (17)

When it comes to people mistreating their friends, they are quick to defend. You don’t hurt what is mine. But when they are being hurt, it’s easier to just take it and move on.

F.) Let Them Be Shamelessly Weird (Bonus Material)

Is it just me, or do a decent percentage of introverts laugh at the strangest things? I may be reaching here, but I suspect some of us have a tenacity for dark humor. Fluffy, sweet and demure on the outside, outrageously sadistic on the inside. Time reveals the sweet nature to be a grand facade. So after the shock wears off when they first show their dark side, embrace it. Twisted as it may be, that’s way more fun than a two dimensional straight laced gal pal. Count yourself lucky.

The more your introvert grows to trust you, the more often you’ll see the shy, reserved demeanor dissolve into unadulterated silliness.

giphy (14)

We hold back and censor ourselves so often, it’s exhilarating to find a person who won’t look at us cross-eyed when we let loose. So enjoy your unicorn and encourage their unique sense of humor.


In Conclusion

Here’s hoping I’ve shed some light on having a successful relationship with an introvert.




7 Things Your Pastor’s Wife is Not

“I want to be a Pastor’s Wife when I grow up!”

This is exactly NOT what I said as a little girl. Or as a teenager. Or as a college attendee. Or a full grown married adult. I didn’t even choose to be a Pastor’s Wife. Would you like to know why?

Because “Pastor’s Wife” is not a career.

Why it’s even a thing straight up baffles me. Yeah, so I married a guy who turned out to be a Pastor. Does this automatically assign me into this phantom career? Because if I’m expected to do things or be a certain way because of this involuntary title, I’d like to know who is paying my salary. And don’t be a smarty pants and say “God”!

I have been referred to as ‘The First Lady’.


I didn’t marry the President.

Now listen.

I’m okay if this is a title meant to honor the poor woman who found herself strapped in matrimony to the churches version of a spiritual Superman.


Because I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how hard it is to live in a glass house with inhuman expectations put on my entire family.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the majority of the congregation are very gracious people. In fact, I’m counting on it. The Elders of our church made it very clear to my husband during the interview process that there would be no expectation placed on me. That’s how I knew we found the right home church. Because there shouldn’t be. At least no more than would be placed on any of my other brothers and sisters in Christ attending.

But the truth is- this IS a thing. So I suppose all that is left to do is embrace it, but clarify some things for you.

Things Your Pastor’s Wife is Not

1. Your Therapist

Would you call your hair stylist’s spouse (a lawyer) to cut your hair?


Why not?


What’s that you say? It’s not appropriate? It doesn’t make any sense? The lawyer wasn’t trained to cut hair, nor does the lawyer work at the salon. And yet…

I get it.

Where a psychologist/therapist/counselor may or may not charge you half of your retirement for a year’s worth of therapy, I’m FREE and available every Sunday in passing.

Picture this.

So here we are, in the middle of a bustling church lobby. You introduce yourself,

“Hi, I’m You-Don’t-Know-Me-From-Adam. I’ve not gotten to meet you yet.”

We shake hands, I smile warmly and tell you my name, even though you already know it, but I don’t want to be presumptuous…

“It’s nice to meet you, YDKMFA.”

“Yeah…I wasn’t here last week because of my failing health. My husband left me for my sister and my kids won’t help me move out of my home into a cardboard box…”

giphy (4)

“I…I’m…so sorry to hear that.” (What else do you say to that!?)

At this point, there’s no turning to greet the seven other church members now hovering outside of this social atrocity waiting their turn. Nope. Now I get to hear about what got her in this place until someone who loves me notices and comes to the rescue.

Situational content exaggeration aside, this approach happens more often than you would imagine. Approach. Introduce. Drop a personal bomb to bait further talk on the topic. (AKA- Impromptu therapy) I’m thinking I’ll start asking for insurance cards so I can bill them for my time. I kid, I kid.

Lady, I am a stranger. I stay at home with four kids fighting to maintain my own sanity. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Maybe if we became good friends, that would be perfectly normal to share…one on one…in a private place…but come on.

I care deeply for people and want to help. But please know, like most people, I am only capable of that with a few people at a time. I try to dedicate that energy to my close family and friends. Although I may be a gifted listener, I am not skilled. You should not rely on me to help you make life choices. Especially if I do not know you.

2. Material for the Gossip Column

It’s weird how ministers and their wives become almost famous in a church community.

I mean, I understand. My husband is, after all, charismatic, entertaining, educated, spiritually wise and face-fanningly handsome. (You can’t tell I admire him…)


God chose him for a reason to stand in front of us each week and guide us spiritually. He knew you would listen to this type of personality.

But we often become fixated on the person and not the material that holds value to our lives. This is how people end up on pedestals. Instead of assessing ourselves and how the information can be applied, we assess the giver of the information and criticize.


This can mean many different things. Perhaps you hold my husband to a high spiritual standard. That’s fine. The Bible states that teachers will be judged more strictly.

“Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.”-James 3:1

“Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach.”-1 Timothy 3:2

So, okay. Valid expectation.

However, is your standard for him (or me) significantly higher than your own?

Be careful how you differentiate a leaders sin vs. your own. Neither have a pretty outcome.

“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”-Galatians 5: 19-20

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath if God is coming.”-Colossians 3: 5-6

Uh-oh. Losing a little ground on that high horse of yours?


How about looking to my husband and I as your siblings in Christ? We all have the same Father, the same rules, the same endgame. We are all safe in the same life boat. Try not to poke holes on his side. We’ll all end up sinking.

3. Your Trophy Friend

It’s tricky making friends when you are labeled the “Pastor’s Wife”. For many reasons. But let me talk about the most daunting one.


Can I trust you?

I am a very private person living in a glass house. Whether I like it or not, there are going to be haters. As my friend you need to be aware and sensitive to this. I will never be able to make everyone happy, and believe me, that is not my goal. But I would like to avoid as much harmful unproductive criticism as possible. This means I need to be able to trust those I let close to me and especially my children. You will be our protectors. Our defenders.

Keep the details of my life safely to yourself. Particularly the vulnerable parts that throw the door wide open for a judgment attack.


If you are thrilled by the status of being my friend because of who I’m married to- I will sense it and resent it.

The term “Pastor’s Wife” in and of itself robs me of my identity as an individual set apart from my husband and HIS career.

You want to be my friend? Do it because of who I am. Because you like me and we have things in common.

Not as an in to get closer to the pastor.

Not so you can get the inside scoop on the inner workings of our life.

EXTRA EXTRA- hear all about it! (Can we say gossip?)


Not so you can make yourself feel better by observing my shortcomings. (Which there are oodles!)

Not as some power play to get your way in some churchy thing- whatever it may be.

The list goes on. But I’ll stop here.

The church is the church. My husband is my husband. I am just me.

What you need to know is; My name is Tiffany. I could be good to you if you will do the same for me.

4. A Comment Card

If for some reason you believe that I am a side avenue to have your voice heard to the Pastor, please reconsider.

woman telling secrets, pop art retro style illustration

I will not pass along your idea or complaint.

If you have something to share with my husband, please share it with him.

I understand I might be less intimidating, but I assure you, he is an open minded, kind hearted man.

On that same note- if you are being frivolously passive aggressive in a hurtful manner, I will ignore you. Put on your big kid pants and find a way to deal with the issue like a grown up.

5. Your Role Model

I am a strong proponent of individualism. In my time as a leader in our MOPS program (Mother’s of Preschoolers) we focused on and celebrated the differences in parenting. Instead of condemning or envying different methods, we lifted each other up.

I say this to illustrate a point.

I will not fit into your box of the “Should be’s”.

We all have individual standards for our lives down to the inconsequential details. When we place those standards on another person, it turns into expectation. When that expectation isn’t met (essentially when that person isn’t a cookie cutter of our preferences) there is disappointment and rejection.


I may not look like your idea of a “proper” Pastor’s Wife. (Whatever that is…)

That’s because I’m not a fictional character. I am human. I struggle just like everyone else. My hope is that the church will be a safe place to be transparent about it. Not just for me- but for everyone.

Your grace for me to be flawed will pave the way for authenticity. Allow me room for that please. I will do the same for you.

On the other hand, please don’t take anything I say or do as gospel. A role model is only one so long as the person looking to them places them in a place of importance in their heart and mind. I don’t belong there. Give that place to Jesus. I promise you two things. I will let you down. He won’t.

6. Your Bible Wikipedia

I cannot tell you how many times someone is trying to recall a scripture reference and when they can’t summon it, they stare in my direction expectantly.


They fully expect me to pull it out of my hat.

I’m not Siri, people!

Neither am I a Bible scholar. I didn’t magically absorb my husband’s Bible college knowledge through mental osmosis, as much as I wish it were so.

I am a Stay-at-Home Mom who aspires to write fiction.

Non-Christian Fiction.


Keep this in mind. When I attend a Bible study with you, I’m just there to learn. I have no interest in testing your Bible knowledge. I am not secretly judging you for not saying Mahershalalhashbaz’s (Isaiah 8:1) name correctly. I’m there to fellowship and learn. Feel free to relax around me.

7. Your Moral Referee

giphy (5).gif

It is so refreshing to meet a new person outside of the church. Someone who doesn’t know I’m a “Pastor’s Wife”, or even religious. That’s when I get to see the “real” personality of a person.

They’ll drop a few f-bombs (curse words), talk about their favorite R rated movie, maybe even offer me a beer or glass of wine. I’m loving it! Because they aren’t hiding behind a facade.

But the second they find out my “label”, they usually stumble over their words. I can see them mentally rewinding the past twenty minutes tripping over all of their perceived affronts to my sensitive spiritual nature.

That moment is always so disappointing.

The mask flies into place as they frantically apologize for all of their moral transgressions. Even with my assurances that they have not offended me in the slightest, the interaction is never the same.

In fact, it often transitions into another impromptu therapy session. Aaaand we’re back to point one.

In Conclusion

It is my hope that these seven things have provided some helpful insights into the mind of a woman who married a pastor. We may not have been hired on, or called by the Big Guy in the sky to minister in the same manner as our spouses. But this does not mean we love our congregation any less.

Sometimes people just need a reminder that we are not the Co-Pastor. (Unless of course they were hired on as such.)

We sit in the same pews, use the same daycare, and drive home afterward to recuperate from all of the people-ing.

If there is one thing I could hope sticks with you  in regard to who I am, it is this;

I am not here to judge you, I am here to love you.




Appropriate Poem

Here is an appropriate poem,

That anyone can read.

It will not touch or move you,

It has nothing that you need.

So please enjoy the rhyming,

Though the substance I’ll neglect.

These words are plain and empty,

But politically correct.

You won’t find angst or passion,

Or an underlying truth.

You can read it to your cat or dog,

It’s even safe for youth.

Take all the ugly of this life,

I urge you now to mask it.

We’ll skip along together,

And take falsehood to our casket.

Social Messaging Etiquette

Social Messaging Etiquette
(5 Tips for the conversationally inept)

Why, hello there. Are you an abysmal conversationalist? You probably don’t think so. Well, that’s okay, buck-a-roo. I’m here to set you straight. You see, I am an introvert. More specifically the kind of introvert that prefers written communication. As of late, I’ve been witness to some conversational atrocities, and I’m straight up tired of this embarrassing human deficit. So here is some advice for those clueless conversationalists. Maybe even some much needed validation for their victims. As we tend to lean toward being a selfish species, keep in mind that it takes cognitive effort to engage in a balanced interaction. (Because I’m lazy, I will be referring to the Conversational Partner as ‘CP’)

1. Good conversation isn’t about YOU.


Have you ever walked away from an hour and a half ‘conversation’ where the main topic, and speaker for that matter, was the other person?

Where your major contributions were,
lol” (at appropriate intervals),
or the expectation of questions that accommodate further blathering?

Fun, right?

Conversation is the art of give and take. Learn it, or be secretly resented by CP’s (at least the ones who will continue to put up with your endearing narcissism.)

2. Can I offer you a mirror for this one-sided conversation?

Don’t ask a question just because you want to answer it yourself. It’s pretty obvious once you neglect to show an inkling of interest in the response of your CP.

3. Ignore me one more time!

If someone says something to you, acknowledge it. Don’t disappear into the ether.


Unless, of course, your home has suddenly been invaded by scientifically engineered ninja cats and you need to duck out of conversation to defeat them. Even then- it’d be cool for you to let your CP know later that it was nothing personal. You just got into a hairy situation.

Quitting a conversation without a heads up is the equivalent of saying, “You bore me SO badly, you’re worth less than a response.”

Even if that IS the sentiment- It’s better you SAY it (preferably with human decency- aka-tact) than pull an insulting Houdini.

Also rude? Not giving acknowledgement to something someone said and jumping forward in topic.


Max: What are you up to today?

Ted: Not much. Just choking on the apparent meaninglessness of my life. What are you up to today?

Max: I have a doctor’s appointment at 4.

I could be wrong here. But I think, I THINK, the human thing to do might be to respond to the issue presented. Although it was deceivingly casual, you may want to show you heard them and care. This works with less dramatic topics as well.

Ted: I don’t know what I would do without coffee.

Max: Can I run this joke by you?

I guess Max thought Ted was talking to himself. Or didn’t give a cow’s pie and has no manners. What could he have done differently?

Ted: I don’t know what I would do without coffee.

Max: It seems to be a life line for a lot of people. Hey, can I run this joke by you?

Bam! Easy peasy. You can do it, I know you can.

Which leads me to my next suggestion.

4. Try a little empathy

If you happen to be cold and dead inside and become paralyzed at any show of emotion, here is a suggestion.


Just show you care with simple phrases like,

“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“That sounds awful.”

Or if there is an aggravator plaguing your CP, it’s usually safe to insult said aggravator. The more colorful the insult, the better.

Some of my favorites? There’s the classic,

“Oh no he didn’t!?”😡
*See how I threw in that emoticon for added effect.

“May he burn with the fire of a thousand suns!”

“I know a place that sells cyanide for cheap.”

Stuff like that.
Your support will be felt and appreciated.


If you’re a superstar at thinking only about yourself, pretend that what they are experiencing is happening to you. Oh dear God, no!!! Not you! How would that make YOU feel? Now comfort yourself-only pretend they are you.

5. Don’t be a leech.

If you keep someone around because they have a compassionate heart, generous ear and they laugh at your jokes- that’s okay.

Really, we all need people like that.

But if you are using them to boost your ego and have no intentions of returning those efforts, there is a special place in the lake of fire for your self serving vampiric derrière.

Now spread the word and pray these wise tidbits penetrate the minds of clueless conversationalists all around. Have a lovely day! ☺️