So…you’ve had a long day and think it would be awfully nice to conclude with some physical intimacy with your wife. You eat your dinner, take a quick shower, brush your teeth and climb into bed. Naturally, all you’ll have to do is reach over and rub her back a minute and she’ll be equally inclined. Right?
Wrong. Like…wrong wrong.
Because sex isn’t a nightcap for a woman. It’s not a quick release to send her into slumber. Sex isn’t an on and off switch either. And let’s be honest, it’s not as simple for a woman to participate as it might be for a man. Ever think of that???
Not to be patronizing (a clear indicator that I’m about to be patronizing…), but I’ve learned from my 17 year relationship that men prefer to be told exactly what to do. Step by step. Like a mindless love robot. They have no interest in initiating what should be done (the biggest defense to this sentiment is a whiny, “I can’t be expected to read your mind…”)
You’re totally right. When the dishes in the sink become overflowing, it is unreasonable for me to assume you might put them in the dishwasher without my prompting….when I’m wearing a new dress, full make-up and did my hair, it is ridiculous to assume you might notice without my having to flounce around, batting my eyelashes saying,
“Hey! Look at me and tell me I’m pretty!”
What’s a girl gotta do!?
If at this point you have thoughts similar to-
Yeah, yeah. What’s this have to do with anything?
or
Get to the sex part already.
Then you’ve already missed the boat, my friend. Have fun on paradise island!
Because the point is this- sex is relational for a woman.
With that said- here is a step by step breakdown of how to seduce your wife.
Hint: It’s not with your sexy Dad bod.
1. Know Her
Do you remember in the beginning of your relationship when you spent unreasonable HOURS on the phone together? Nothing was more important. How was it that you never ran out of things to say?
Because the ‘getting to know you’ phase was intoxicating.
The object of your obsession deserved no less than your full attention and hunger to turn over every last detail. In turn, she probed your mind from the inconsequential to the nitty gritty.
Did that feel good? That someone cared so much about you, that they wanted to know everything? Your first kiss? Your most embarassing moment? Your preferred brand of toothpaste? She wanted it all. And so did you.
What was happening as you both absorbed more and more information?
Intimacy was being built.
Not sexual, obviously. Not yet. This is the gate though. For a woman you start with her mind. She didn’t fall in love with your body- although it may have been a draw. She didn’t keep coming back for the hit of pheromones. (Gotta love chemistry). So, what held her? Why did she carry on with you?
Every woman has a private self she reserves for a select few. You were Indiana Jones on a crusade for that rare artifact. You see, Indiana wan’t just an adventurer, he was a historian. Before he dove in to explore the caves he gathered all of the information he would need to be successful.
You showed interest in knowing who she was, beyond the surface of what the majority had access to. You made her feel captivating. Desired (for more than just her body). Seen. Valued.
Does your wife feel that way now?
When you got home from work, did you see her and light up? Did you ask her how her day was, and truly care about the answer? Did you talk about anything that wasn’t related to the general hum drum of day to day obligations and experiences?
Don’t feel too bad.
We all fall into a rut occasionally. Especially with those we love the most. We become comfortable. But along with that attitude, we also become complacent. You assume she will always be there. You nabbed your lifetime beauty, put a ring on it, and regardless of the storms of life, you assume she’ll always be there. That’s a dangerous mindset. A houseplant that isn’t watered, withers and dies, regardless of how much you paid for it.
Are you fostering the spirit of that amazing woman you fell for? Or did you put her back up on the shelf like your favorite book with all of it’s secrets long revealed?
I’ll let you in on a secret. The book you read X amount of years ago, is not the same book you picked up originally. Women are amazing creatures. Adaptable and ever evolving. Often times men will become baffled and say, “This isn’t the woman I married!”
You’re right.
I can safely say that I have been at least 7 different women within the past two decades. Not in a multiple personality type of way. Ask your wife how many different women she thinks she’s been throughout her life. I bet she’ll understand what I mean.
A teenager with an unstable home will behave differently than a young twenties woman relying on herself. A young twenties woman with no children will be different than a late twenties woman who must now accommodate two children into her world. The changes continue and, if we’re being honest, a lot of weight falls onto the woman to do exactly what confuses you. Change. We change to accommodate our surroundings. If those adjustments are not celebrated and appreciated, a resentment may stir and we may just find your presence unnecessary in the next ‘change’.
My point is, you will never know her to a point of completion. If her personality hasn’t changed, her circumstances have. Her relationships have. Her interests have. It’s time to get obsessive about your wife again. Make sure that she knows that you still want to know her at every stage of life. Start talking or start walking.
2. Appreciate Her
Let’s try to make this simple.
What does your wife do for you? For your kids? For your home? For her friends? For other people?
Seriously, jot down a list. Or at least take a moment to think about what she does.
Now. How many of these things has she been thanked for? How many of these things are just expected? How many of these things could YOU do to help her out?
Let me just say this. As a mother of four children, I expend a ridiculous amount of my energy on them. This includes the “fun” stuff, from recreational interaction and snuggles, to the dark side of parenting. Think managing tantrums and cleaning poop off of your furniture. Time to myself? HA! If you can be satisfied doing anything while being interrupted ever few minutes, then yeah. I get time to myself.
Beyond that I am burdened by house chores that I may or may not accomplish in a day. When you get home from work- the LAST thing on my mind is feeling sexy and putting out. At the top of my list is any opportunity to have peace and quiet away from the tiny beasts.
Now, if you came home and jumped right into the chaos with me, cleaning, juggling, tending to everyone’s needs…my stress level may begin to recede. Tell me to go relax for a bit, and feelings of appreciation may develop. See how we’re moving you into a positive light step by step.
Put the kids to bed and come rub my feet and ask how I’m doing. Notice and thank me for the mundane torturous things I did today for the benefit of our family. (Yes, laundry counts…) More often than not, we end up with the “it’s an ugly job, but someone has to do it” stuff.
Then shift into “Her” focus. Has she been thinking about anything interesting? Is there anything you can do to help her accomplish a personal goal? Connect with her in a way where she is the focus.
After engaging in that quality time, instead of getting too eager and hinting or even outright asking for sex, you might even say, “You must be exhausted. I’ll let you rest. Is there anything you need before I go load the dishwasher?”
You may find there IS something she now needs from you. And let me just say, appreciation sex is good stuff. WAY better than obligatory sex.
It may not happen every night, or even every 72 hours. Why? Because she may be legitimately running on empty and need rest. Doubting? Review the list of the things she does everyday.
But I promise, if you make a habit of this technique, (along with the others), it will happen way more frequently and with much more enthusiasm. Work hard to please her outside of the bedroom, and she may do the same for you in the bedroom.
Start recognizing, acknowledging, appreciating and helping.
Put an effort every day into these things and watch your wife turn into putty in your loving hands.
3. Chase Her
The problem here is, you think you’ve already won. You’ve got her. You’ve already wooed the lady and she now abides in your castle. Commence with the Happily-Ever-After.
You couldn’t be further from the truth!
How would you feel if after a week-long honeymoon and oodles of sex, your wife dusted her hands off and smiled then said, “Alright. Done with that!”
Not cool, right?
Neither is it cool when after a few months or years, you stop working for her affection.
A few examples;
*Hygiene: Before you had her in holy matrimony, you made sure you brushed the crap out of your teeth before engaging in a kiss. Maybe even swished a little of that liquid acid stuff that freshens your breath. Perhaps you wore cologne for a date night? You put some thought into what you were wearing? She likes when I wear this color. She has a thing for ties.
You definitely made sure you wore clean socks and underwear. You showered frequently, maybe used some nice smelling body wash.
It’s attractive when you want to make yourself attractive.
*Flirtation: Once you’re married it feels like most “flirtation” is a move for sex. It may not be, but we will feel like it is.
This particular type of flirtation doesn’t say, “I want you”, which should be the goal. Instead it says, “I want sex”. So any attempts under this umbrella feel manufactured or inauthentic. A means to an end. We see through it.
I know that sounds confusing, but to women, there is a difference.
So, your idea of flirtation might be to get touchy feely after you get home from work, signaling the hope for hanky-panky after the kids go to bed. It might be a back rub, one of those amazing come up from behind hugs, or a delicious neck kiss. The thing is, bud, if you’re not touchy feely on the norm, it stands out like a sore thumb. You don’t want her, you want sex. So how can you cultivate an interaction that does communicate that it is her that you want?
The thing is, once you’re married, you feel slightly entitled to sex. Don’t deny it. You cashed in your bachelor ticket for one woman for the rest of your life. That woman better stay on top of your physical needs! Why work for it when I own it? Those days are behind us. She should be a sure thing.
But think about it.
The only texts you send her during the day consist of,
“What’s for dinner?”, “Can you wash my red shirt?”, “Will you pick up kids today?”
What if you sent her something flirty to let her know you’re thinking about her.
For example,
“When I woke up this morning I loved the way your hair fell over your face to block the sun. You are the most beautiful woman.”
Hey now! That might get her attention.
or
“What would you like me to do when I get home to help you relax?”
The answer might be, “Take the kids so I can finish a cup of coffee.” But the fact that you were thinking about her and cared about improving her day is sexy.
Another way to flirt? Bring her home something! Flowers, chocolate, coffee. Ooooo, coffee! Yeah bring her a big hot steaming cup of coffee. This tells her you were thinking about her.
Then one of the more obvious ways to let her know you want her- compliment her! I’ll get more into that a little later.
*Prioritize:
When you were trying to win her heart you made sure to put her at the TOP of your list. Never would you place her on a back burner. The only time she took a back seat was if you intended on joining her there. Sleep!? Please. Who needs sleep when you can spend that time with her.
In other words, she was the most important thing in your life.
Where is she on that list now?
Not sure?
A quick way to find out it to write out a list of how you spend your time. Go ahead. Jot it down. Or think through your average day/week.
Required work hours can’t be helped. Be gracious to yourself there. But what about the extra hours you volunteer? What about side projects? Friends? Church and church activities? Unless she is at your side willingly and joyfully for those tasks, I’d say it’s safe to assume she may be receiving your leftovers in the currency of time.
Does that say, “I want you”? Or does it say, “I want you/sex when it’s convenient for me”?
Keep something in mind as you consider taking action…or not.
If your wife was someone who could be won, is it not logical to assume she is also someone who could be lost?
If you’re going to play the game, you’d better learn some strategy. Because this game is never over.
4. Play With Her
No. Not like that. We aren’t there yet. Sheesh! Get your mind out of the gutter!
I mean PLAY with her!
As adults we get bogged down by boring stuff like jobs and bills and responsibilities. You know, real life? But those things are not what we live for. In fact, I may go so far as to say, we do those things so we can hurry up and get to the playing.
How often do you hear people say, “Yesssss! It’s Monday! Back to work, baby!”
Hardly!
More often than not we can’t wait for the weekend! The days when we have free time to do whatever we deem fun or relaxing. The days we can feel ALIVE!
You want your wife’s heart to beat faster? Take her on an adventure! Discover what it is she dreams of doing and make it happen! Give her opportunities for new experiences that will remind her that life is infinite in it’s possibilities. That we might live in the mundane but we need not be enslaved by it. The 9-5 can have our minds, but to the rest we owe our souls!
Has she always wanted to hike to a waterfall? Do some research and pull out your hiking boots. Does she love music? Surprise her by taking her to a concert of an artist she loves! Would she enjoy letting off some steam at a shooting range? Maybe she’d have fun jumping at one of those trampoline places? Do a mission together where you help build houses or something. Go exploring! Force her outside of her comfort zone. Get her adrenaline pumping a bit. Make sure she’s laughing.
What’s the point? How does this help our sex life?
Get her away from the kids. Children are good at unintentionally robbing a woman of her time and identity. Get her out of the house and remind her that she is more to you than your maid/babysitter. She is your life partner! Your playmate! Your lover! The one you chose to experience this amazing life with! That doesn’t happen behind a kitchen sink. Let’s be real, it doesn’t happen at the movie theater either. It happens out in the wild where you can let go of your responsibilities and BE WILD together!
Playing doesn’t have to be restricted to outside of the home. After all, it may take funds to accomplish some of those adventures. But how can you make being home fun? Play hide and go seek. Have a dance party. Wrestle! Whatever will make her laugh and remember that your relationship isn’t strictly business.
Be intentional about playing together. In doing so, you just might inadvertently remind her of why she fell in love with YOU. Not the 9-5 you. The fun you.
5. Convince Her She’s Beautiful
Every. Single. Day.
Now, I’m not a shallow person. But I would be lying if I said physical attraction had no role in a marriage. I cannot speak for everyone, but I will be honest as far as my own experience goes. I want to be beautiful, especially to my husband. The entire world could scoff and find me plain, as long as my husband looked at me with desire in his eyes.
When you think about sex, is it simply a mechanical marital obligation? I mean, I suppose, as a woman, you could just lay there and think about other things. Sad but true. But if you’re really going to enjoy sex, I imagine and hope that you find your partner to be attractive on some level.
If you don’t acknowledge her beauty, she will begin to doubt it’s even there. If she doesn’t believe you find her attractive/beautiful, she’ll feel used when it comes to sex. Basically, she will see herself as a tool you use to satisfy that perpetual physical need for release. Then all of a sudden she has been objectified. How very impersonal. How very demeaning. How very sad. Who wants to participate in that all of the time?
It is important that she knows you find her beautiful, inside and out.
So how do you do this?
It’s not enough to just think she’s beautiful. You must learn to say it.
In those moments when when her eyes pull you in and you are suddenly startled by their color, say something. It doesn’t have to be poetic. A simple, “Wow. Your eyes are amazing”, will do the trick. Watch her blush, even after decades of marriage.
If she looks good in a certain pair of jeans or top, tell her! If she wanders out of bed in the morning in her sweats with her hair disheveled and your heart swells because that woman belongs to you, say as much. “I’m so lucky you’re mine.” Words are magic. Don’t miss an opportunity for reassurance.
Find ways to compliment her. Where is she talented? What are her skills? What are her gifts? Celebrate them. Support them. Help her grow in them. All of these things say I find you irresistible.
Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t find them attractive? That’s no fun! So make it clear. Leave no room for doubt.
What if you’ve grown numb and don’t notice these things?
Oh pal, you’d better open up those eyes and start noticing.
Because I can guarantee you that every time she puts effort into her appearance and you fail to notice, her self esteem drops a little more.
Her confidence in your attraction to her diminishes more and more. She will doubt her beauty…that is…until another man notices. And they might. And that is not where you want her seeking to be fulfilled. It should be coming from you. YOU are responsible for satisfying that deep and vital question in her heart. Am I beautiful? Do you want me? Am I worthy of love?
Well? Is she?
6. Make it Worth It
After you’ve managed to get the above 5 recommendations on track, theoretically, you should have her right where you want her.
So now what? Every Tuesday night at ten with the lights off in the same position? Oh, baby! That’s hot. She’ll definitely keep coming back for more.
How do you make sex an experience she craves?
Communication. Ask her what she wants. Whodathunk!?
Every woman is different, so there is no step by step guide for you here. Plus, I’m not sure details would be appreciated by the masses. But I’ll do my best.
Ready. Set. Awkward!
Here comes the magic word. Learn it. Apply it. Take it seriously. It will make or break your sex life.
Foreplay.
I know. I know. I went there. Calm down people.
You’ve heard it said before that men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. This is not just a cutesy comparison. Women need time to “warm up” if you care at all for their pleasure. And you should! If you care, they care. If you don’t, why am I even here?
Plus, you would really like a repeat customer, so to speak. But are you offering a quality experience?
So, after finding out what she wants- do it. Keep doing it until she is ready for more. Don’t constantly ask, “Are you ready?” That’s like a bucket of cold water every time, setting you back to the beginning. Have patience and build some endurance. Stamina is attractive. Be a pupil of what works for her. Trust me when I say, it will pay off for you in the end.
Your second very important word.
Variety.
This may not be for everyone. Some may prefer safe and predictable. Some may prefer the routine. This note is not for those people. If that works for you, carry on. If not, please read on.
Surprise her every now and then. Try something new! Try somewhere new! I won’t elaborate on this, but I will encourage you to take up the conversation with your wife. And come prepared with suggestions. She will be blind-sided and may need time to process.
Don’t take that as an immediate rejection. Give her the space she needs to consider and communicate her thoughts.
Marriage is not just a journey, but an adventure! I challenge you to seduce your wife. Don’t ever get used to her. Dare to know her better, work to appreciate her, never stop chasing, make time to play together, and under no circumstances should you allow that amazing woman to go to bed without knowing how firmly she holds your heart and affections. You can do this. Just follow the steps.
*This article is based on the opinions of the author who understands that sex is super duper complicated and knows that one size does not fit all. She also recognizes that many of these techniques can go both ways.
Have any more advice? Please leave it in the comments below. Keep it PG people. I am married to a pastor! Do Christians even have sex… 😉
The Peculiar Pastor's Wife 